The Unpredictability of Panic Attacks

Monday, August 2nd 2010

I woke up and read some more of Eragon while having my morning coffee. I'm very fascinated by this book.  It's an excellent story and even more impressive when you read the blip about the author in the back.  He graduated homeschooling at age 15 and published this when he was 19.  Way to go Christopher Paolini!  I love the writing.  The chapters are short, but numerous, so there's plenty of pauses for me to get up and do things.

I did the dishes from last night, took my meds, got more coffee, sat outside, painted the bedroom closet some more, moved a few boxes, swept the linen closet and stuck the tool bin in without organizing it (I can do that later), and I attempted to hang curtains in the bedroom.  My drill/screwdriver wasn't charged.  I'll have to hang the curtains tomorrow.  I put the shoe rack in the closet and loaded it with the shoes I have here.  I moved the antenna inside to prevent bugs flying through the wire crack in the sliding door.

I am just reheating vegetables tonight for dinner.  Right now the neighbors are being quite boisterous, as if their radio blaring all day everyday wasn't enough.  I have no idea what they're whooping about.  They seem to only speak Spanish.

The lady upstairs either just fell or dropped something.  Last Friday she was sitting on her balcony on the phone complaining about one of the little boys hollering in Spanish while they were playing (I call them the calvary :-)  They ride their bikes and scooters around the building in a big circle.  I think they're cute).  She called the apartment complex "the ghetto."  I don't think she's ever seen, much less been to, a ghetto.  The houses around the complex are very nice, middle class family style homes.  I don't hear sirens all the time like I did at the motel.I never see flashy lights unless an ambulance is going down Route 9.  There are no obvious drug dealers or crime.  My car has never been bothered in the parking lot, not so much as a scratch.  It could be MUCH worse.  This is far from the ghetto.

Here I am sitting in the dining area at 10pm and I get a whiff of smokey burning smell.  Of course, I panic and race around through the apartment unplugging things and smelling every room.  It's faint in the bedroom, very prominent in the bathroom.  I wonder if the neighbors are burning incense or smoking and it's coming through the vent?  I hear periodic clicking.  I think it's from upstairs.  I hate having anxiety issues.  This would be nerve-racking enough, add on an anxiety disorder and wham!  instant Panic Attack! (No water required, not intended for children under 3.)

I sit here second guessing.  Am I crazy?  Am I smelling things that don't exist?  Is this just anxiety?  I've smelled a burning smell in the bathroom one other time and that turned out fine, but is it wise - or safe - to relax and ignore this?  I hear the people upstairs moving about getting ready for bed.  No smoke alarms are screaming.  No one is running from their apartments yelling, "Fire!"  So it should be alright...right?

I sat outside.  No smokey smell.  Some nights I smell campfire smells outside, but not tonight.  I came back in.  No funny smell in "the office" (section of the living room where I have a computer desk and bookcases).  No funny smell in the living room.  Faint in the bedroom.  Slight in the bathroom.  I turned the light and vent fan on.  I took a shower.

I had more than a dual purpose for the shower.  I was hoping the vent fan being on and the smell of soap and shampoo would rid the place of the smokey smell.  I hoped the shower might relax me.  I also wanted to be clean, albeit wearing slippers and pajama's, if fire engines showed up!  Maybe I'm taking that "wear clean underwear" saying a little too far.

I took my night meds a bit early.  Maybe they'll help.  I debated a Xanax.  Sigh!