There is something about me this year that is apparently very
attractive to arachnids. I am not
particularly fond of our 8 legged friends.
I respect them. I appreciate the
job they perform. I even go so far as to
leaving one or two around the house because when they move in, other crawlies
who freak me out way more, move out. If
they don't move out, Creepy shows wonderful hospitality and invites them to
dinner. I'm all sorts of good with that.
However, I do not wish to get up close and personal or cuddly with them. I certainly do not wish to share a shower
with one!
After a sleepless night and a pain filled afternoon (I fell asleep at
8am and slept through until 3pm), I was tired of wandering about the house alone
in a funk. I was on the B list of
invites. The afterthought. The "we're already here and oh, she's
home alone so we might as well invite her" invitation to the party. Generally maintaining a tight budget, and
having holidays where proper etiquette calls for gift giving, the budget is
definitely constrained. This leads to
limited options.
The list of possibilities turned towards, "What do I
need?" Cat food. Always need cat food. Coffee.
The can in the kitchen is running low.
I need creamer to go with the coffee.
I love me some java! Food,
"people food," of the vegetation variety. I am seriously lacking in the vegetable
department of my diet lately here.
Running low on some toiletries, too.
Oh, and TP.
I need more toilet paper as well since I have a lovely little nephew
(Thing 2) who pretends to be a cat while he sits on the throne with his drawers
around his ankles singing (he still sings while he poops, but at least now he
closes the door), and unrolls it all into a crumpled heap on the floor. I will roll it up for him to use. Occasionally, HE will roll it back up -
usually into a wad of nastiness, soaking wet, after he uses it as a submarine
IN the toilet. Yeah. NOT using that. I am not wiping my sacred areas with le
papier hygenique after it has been so disrespected on the dirty floor that they
wander about on after walking in chicken poop outside, nor after it has drifted
along in a sea of l'ocean de toilet. Nope. I stash a "private" roll
for personal use in a secret location in the potty room.
Being a Sunday, stores close earlier.
Bummer. :-( My options again have dwindled. My preference would have been Petco for the
cat food where I can grab the HUGE bag of Blue dry food for my babies. Having 6 cats to feed, the huge bag is a good
thing. They also have more options in
the canned food department, and way more in the kitten formulations. Everyone, except Seiji, is still under a year
old and needs the extra calcium. Dollar
Tree is a great option for a lot of the things I need, but again, time
constraint. This pretty much leaves
Walmart for 24 hour one stop shopping convenience.
The pain meds were beginning to kick in (YAY!) and raising my funk
just a wee bit. How to raise it
more? A bit o' pampering! I was thinking a nice shower, shave, some
lotion/body oil, maybe my Foot Works cherry ice sloughing stuff for my
tootsies...oh yeah! Off we go! Into the bathroom, brushing through the mop
of curls in preparation for a nice shampoo and deep conditioning, gathering
supplies such as a brandy new razor and making sure there's enough shave gel
left, enough Lavender body wash, my tousle hair products... I did a pre-requisite facial complete with
Cranberry Pomegranate exfoliant scrub and plunked in my contacts so I could see
what I was shaving (ALWAYS safer that way, I have nicked things that should
NEVER be nicked shaving blind before).
I set the controls for a nice lukewarm shower. I pulled the doo-dad to switch it from tub to
shower nozzle. I returned the curtain to
its closed position to maintain the waterfall IN the tub and not all over the
floor. Jammers off, slippers off, and into
the warm, wonderfulness I stepped.
Ahhh! Rinse the stress away! I let the water caress my shoulders, my back,
my chest, and brought my leg up to wet my thigh...
Why are there legs scurrying to hide under the shower curtain?
:-/ Deep breath. Why are the legs so BIG? Deeper breath. Ok, Donna...courage! Bravery.
Channel it, girl! I took another
breath, closed my eyes, prayed a bit, and then carefully moved the curtain a
bit to the side. HOLY $&^!!!!! That bugger is GINORMOUS!
There, staring at me, was a spider.
Not just any spider. A HUGE spider.
The body alone was a good inch in diameter. The legs?
Oh yeah, those were some legs!
This bugger would have NO problem hitching a ride down the highway! I did not have the ability to jump into my clinical,
scientific brain and get out a measure to check it exactly, but my best
educated guesstimate would be greater than 2 inches in diameter in total. HUGE spidey.
Huge, ginormous, UNINVITED, spidey. For all I know, it may have even
been hairy. I was NOT about to check.
I jumped out onto the Blueberry Fields bath mat, grabbed a towel to
dry off my feet before I slid on my tush running for help. Because really, how
do you explain THAT in the ER? "Yes Doctor, I seem to have fractured my
coccyx when fell down racing for a sandal to eradicate a HUGE arachnid that was
sexually harassing me in the shower."
What are the ICD-9 and CPT codes for that encounter? Does insurance cover that? Or does that fall under the "not
medically necessary" denial category?
I was modest enough to take the extra 5 seconds to wrap my bathrobe
around myself even though no one was home.
I went to my closet. I stared in
at my collection of foot wear. Too
new. I like those boots. Too much traction, not guaranteed to
adequately smush. Oh, that flip flop
might work! Wait, no, thin sole, I'd have to get really close... Ah ha! Heeled wedgie sandal! Perfect!
I'll be 2 1/2 inches above the little bugger!
Armed and dangerous, I entered hostile territory! I stood at the shower, water still
running. Sue me, I wasn't brave enough
to reach in and shut it off before. I
peered in the curtain. Where is
Creepy??? AH! There!
On the wall side of the tub now, making an escape, trying to adhere with
traction toes to the slick side wall.
But alas, the jacuzzi tub is more than Creepy can manage! This is probably why Creepy was still at the
bottom of the tub, poor thing probably hadn't been able to get out.
Karma. The law of three. And ye harm none. Damn! I
sat on the edge of the tub holding my sandal contemplating the feasibility of
Operation Spider Relocation instead of Operation Spider Assassination. I came to two conclusions:
#1- There is NO way I am
getting THAT close to Creepy while it is ALIVE and unable to tell me it will
not jump unexpectedly and freak me out.
It's cousin, who decided to be a perv last month on the OUTSIDE of the
shower curtain, at least had the decency to be MUCH smaller and STAY OUTSIDE
THE CURTAIN!
#2- There is a sign just inside the front door that says, "No trespassing. Violators will be shot. Survivors will be shot again." I can't shoot the rifle in the house. I don't want to blow up the bathtub. Therefore, my option is a sandal. He is trespassing. I have justifiable grounds for termination! He had fair warning! It's not MY fault he can't read English! Maybe I should post translations of the sign
on other languages, just to be fair...
Next problem: How to get close to Creepy, without freaking that he'll
jump! Hmm, shower is still running. Channel my Zen... Didn't the Chinese do water torture? Or something?
Move the curtain...a nice little rain fall...
Spidey did not like the rain.
Spidey rolled up onto a little bally and slid down toward the mesh drain
cover I put in there. No movement. I turned the water off. I sat there.
I watched. I waited. Spidey didn't move. Creepy wasn't all that Creepy this way. In fact, it was rather sad. :-/ I
waited some more. I thought about how to
move the body. I hate post-mortem
care. I debated calling Glen, he's good
with spiders. Then I decided I didn't
want to look like THAT much of a wuss.
I went into my room and grabbed like seven or eight paper towels. I walked back into the bathroom. I stood over the Creepy Spidey corpse. I apologized.
I prayed that I would be forgiven.
Then I whacked that bugger with the sandal and scooped him up with a
giant wad of paper towels so I could take a shower.
