Daring Dye-ing

Wednesday, August 18th 2010

I got daring tonight!  I dyed my hair!  I don't usually dye it, I've done it only about 4 times in my life, but like I said, I got daring!  It's not much different, it's called Sandalwood.  If nothing else it'll cover the few grays mom was kind enough to point out on Sunday.I knew they were there, I wasn't really worrying about them, they're not hugely noticeable.  I bought the dye with Dayna last time we did her hair.  I thought, maybe for a change.  Well, I did it!

And now I'll have anxiety for the next 48 hours waiting for the delayed allergic reaction.  I have only reacted once - to a perm in 5th grade; never to hair color.  I've dyed mom's hair, and Dayna's hair, and inevitably got some on my skin without a reaction.  But dopey me had the common sense to read the box and disregard the allergy test part thinking, "I've been exposed before without a reaction!"  Watch, I've jinxed myself.  (I never did have a reaction.)  I had a bit of OCD and threw every towel I remotely touched in the laundry.


I've debated Xanax.  I hate anxiety. :-(  Why do I have this disorder?  It interferes with life.  It's bad enough I need pain meds and antidepressants, I hate having to take anxiety meds too.  At least I am recognizing the symptoms now.  That doesn't make the attacks any more pleasant or short lived.

Melancholy Recollections

I can't believe I am 32.  It's an odd concept.  I look back on the years and can recall what I was doing when I was doing it.  I wonder how it went so fast.  I wonder where all the time has gone.  Some things I can recall and they feel like it was just yesterday, or last week.  I can still recall how I felt.

I recall High School, and my moments of depression and reckless abandon.  I can still remember how scared I was when I thought I was pregnant at 16.  I remember the peace I felt when I meditated and knew, without a shadow of doubt, that I was and she was a girl.  I can't explain how I knew, I just did.  

I remember how scared I was an how isolated I felt during the pregnancy - as if I were a great shame that needed to be hidden.  I never had the joy and anticipation that other mothers-to-be experience.  Every discomfort was met with an air of, "Well, you're the one who went and got pregnant, deal with it."  Many don't believe it occurred within two weeks of my first time.  The reputation is not as bad now as it was then, but I still recall it like it was yesterday.

If I knew then what I know now, I'd have known my "discomforts" were not all normal.  I'd have known they had diagnostic names like "hyperemesis gravidarum," and I'd have known it wasn't normal to vomit daily for nine months.  I'd have known to report it to my nurse practitioner so they could address it and treat the ailment.  I'd have known my swelling and water retention surpassed that which is considered normal and that the massive headaches were a sign of pre-eclampsia.  Maybe we'd have caught it sooner and maybe they could have treated it to avoid the scary emergency induction of labor to prevent seizures and other complications.  I'd have known that it is not normal to get up and find yourself standing in a pool of blood after giving birth.  I'd have known that was considered "postpartum hemorrhage."  But then I'd probably have been more scared than I already was, so maybe that was a blissful ignorance.  I'd have had a name for the severe depression and crying spells I had postpartum.  I'd have known to seek treatment.  Instead I was basically told, "You got yourself into this, deal with it."  So I did.  

I have never regretted having my baby.  She was a gift from God when I didn't realize I needed a gift.  Through all the struggles, the stress, the hardship, the depression, there was my little angel shining like a star making me laugh along with her big belly laugh at the simplest silliness.  There was my motivation and push to be better than I was and to live closer to my potential than I was.  She is my sidekick - the one person in the world who will ALWAYS be at my side to brighten my days, encourage me, love me even with my faults and failures, and remain the greatest source of my pride and sense of accomplishment, letting me know that through it all, I must have done something right.

I recall countless days at the Exxon when I was dating "the mailman."  I remember our trip to Cape May, and falling asleep in the car.  I remember our trip to New Hope and kissing in the middle of the bridge "so I can say I've been kissed in two states at once."  I remember thinking I was going to marry him.  I remember how much my mother loved him, and how much he made me cry at the end.  I remember his emotional disaster after our breakup.

I remember the stress of working at the post office and the depression when I got let go.  I remember the mornings of waking up a 3 year old before dawn so I could get to work, and the following laughter when we stepped outside and she asked, "Are you sure it's morning, Mommy?"

I recall the anguish when I herniated the first 2 discs in my back at age 23, and crawling down the stairs in tears.  I remember the difficulty of trying to convince the doctors I had herniated discs and not a muscle strain, and ibuprofen in massive doses wasn't helping.  I remember my despair when the orthopedic knee specialist they sent me to told me  he has older patients with herniated discs who don't complain of pain and trying to convince him it was too much to bear trying to keep up with a 6 year old, working full time, and full time college.  I remember how I felt when he exasperatedly said, "What do you want me to do about it?  Take Ibuprofen!"  I remember leaving in tears.

I remember the next orthopedic clinic and the doctor telling me I was non-surgical and they only do surgery if it doesn't get better.  I remember asking how much longer I had to wait before I was considered "not better."  I remember the hope I had at pain management when they said, "epidurals for curative effect." I remember how bad the EMG hurt, and the despair when I couldn't get teh doctor to schedule the epidurals after it.

I recall being with Joe in our apartment in Eatontown and the anguish of trying to make that relationship work despite the now obvious signs that it wouldn't.  I recall the numbness of the move and the tears over my credit debt and homelessness.   I recall days spent in Keansburg playing DDR.

I recall the blood, sweat, tears, and pride of being at Brookdale.  I remember how proud Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Marie, and Mom looked when I graduated.  I recall the relief, pride, and accomplishment I felt.

I remember almost every hurt - the stimulus and the pain and the tears.  They were many.  I also remember some good times thrown in to buffer the bad.  On page 156 of Brisingr by Christopher Paolini, he writes:

What will happen, will happen, and I won't waste the time I have above-ground worrying.  Misfortune always comes to those who wait.  The trick is to find happiness in the brief gaps between disasters.

 How true! 

So many things I remember from 10-15 years ago or longer.  Dayna has a favorite quote by Momiji Sohma in Fruits Basket about his memories.  Along those lines, I hope to never lose these memories - good and bad.  They are the events and emotions and accomplishments and despairs that have shaped who I am.  I don't wish to live in the past, but I do think I need to remember it and attempt to learn from it to avoid further mistakes and history repeating itself.  It always does.

Onward to find happiness in this gap before my next disaster!

Dinner Party

Sunday, August 15th 2010

I woke up at 9:30am, before my alarm went off.  I sat with my coffee, took my morning meds, and read some more.  I got in the shower, dressed and got ready to run out to ShopRite.

My mother called at 11:15am to make sure I was up cooking.  She told me I should have gone to the store yesterday and should have the roast on already, and now dinner won't be done on time now because the roast needs three hours to cook.  I told her I have never taken three hours to make a pot roast.  She insisted it would take that long.  Then she said, "OK, if we eat by 4pm instead, it'll be fine."  I could feel my spirit drop as my anxiety escalated.

I did my hair and makeup and set off for the store.  I picked up a nice 3-1/2 lb roast, Wondra (cause Mom swears by it), CoffeeMate, dinner rolls, and a few other items.  I came home, put my purchases away, and set to chopping an onion.  I sauteed the onion with some spices, then added the roast, seasoning each side with every turn of searing.  I added some water, covered, and turned the heat to low for a nice simmer.

I took the garbage out and set up a bag in the pail.  I didn't have time to scrub it out like I'd planned, but I don't think anyone will care.  If anyone does, it'll be my mother.  She will forever have a critical eye.  That's just her.  That of itself does not make her a bad person, it just makes her difficult to deal with sometimes.  I have 32 years experience letting it roll off, and still sometimes it gets me in the gut.

Dad and Marty arrived first at about 2:30pm.  Dad set to trying to fix the TV reception again.  Marty talked about setting it up to bounce off a satellite.  He knows these things from his work with satellite internet.  They brought a box of stuff from the Alero and dishes from Chris and Kathy.

Mom and Glen arrived with a truck full of my stuff from the trailer.  Mom is in a "Get Donna's stuff out of my house" mode.  They brought the computers, Dayna's TV, Dayna's DVD/VCR, my clothes bin, and some Avon stuff.  Mom brought my sewing basket, needlepoint, and cutting board.

There was good conversation and merriment!  It was so nice to have company.  It was even nicer to have a place for everyone to sit!  Marty hooked up Dayna's VCR/DVD so we could put on a movie for mom.  She wasn't thrilled with my selection of VCR tapes, but my collection of Harry Potter DVD's caught her eye.  She'd never seen the 6th one.  She asked what it was called after marty had it up and running.  I was happy to tell her it was The Half-Blood Prince.  We began discussing the 7th one's arrival soon.

Mom helped me set the table.  I asked her to make the gravy while I dished up the vegetables and sliced the roast.  She asked where the Gravy Master was.  She was surprised to hear I never use it and beamed it's benefits while telling me to get some.  Everyone sat to eat.  The conversation was boisterous and multi-faceted.  We talked about Marty's job interviews.  Dad and Glen talked about the Teamsters Union and their changes over the past few years.  Dad's still happy to be retired.  Glen is awaiting the day he can be.  Mom asked me to come over Wednesday and dye her hair.  I asked if she would dye mine as well.  I'm due for a change.

Mom and I sat outside chatting.  She said the place is coming along.  She said it looks good, little by little.  If you know my mom, you know how high a compliment that simple interchange was.

Mom cleared the table for me while I sat outside keeping Dad company.  A squirrel sat on it's haunches across the sidewalk looking at us.  Dad said he looked like a Protestant minister with the way he was holding his hands.  I told the squirrel it was okay.  He crossed the sidewalk and foraged in the grass just outside the patio.  Dad said I'd do well in Canada with the way I am with wildlife.  I told him of the two skunks that come around, sometimes right onto the patio!

Mom got antsy about 6pm.  She doesn't like driving in the dark this far from home.  She forgot the sheets I am loaning them  for their trip to Lake George.  Glen was quite content sitting on the couch with a beer chatting with Marty, but he got ready to leave to keep Mom happy.

I showed Dad how one of the dining room chairs was coming apart.  I told him I tried to fix it but didn't have the oomph to get the dowels back in.  He said he could do it.  That became his project for the day.  I thought it was a simple matter of pounding it back in.  I was wrong.  Dad set to taking the whole chair apart!  He scraped out old glue, added new glue, pounded it with a hammer, and then used twine in lieu of a wood clamp until the glue dried. He did a fantastic job putting the whole thing back together.

I apologized  that it was such a complex project.  Dad said he was happy to do it.  He said, "I'm not so good with conversations so this was good, it kept me busy."  Next time I'll ask him to get the mirror on my dresser :-)  Just so he's comfortably busy, you know.  I would hate for him to be uncomfortably idle!

Dad read through the entire Sunday Press.  Marty attacked the rest of the food.  He said, "No one should be forced to endure left-overs!"  He's losing weight.  I'm glad to have the opportunity to feed these two guys.  We had coffee and more conversation.  Dad and Marty played with Dayna's computer & monitor.  They set up her monitor on Marty's laptop and we watched Sherlock Holmes - Marty on the couch, Dad lying on the floor, and I was at the dining table.  It reminded me of weekends when we were kids.

Dad and Marty stayed until 1am.  I asked Dad if he wanted to use the patio again before they left, Marty won't let him smoke in the car.  I sent Marty with his care package of towels, electric broom, wash clothes, razor, Irish Spring, etc.

It was a great day.  I mentioned to Dad that the place is coming along and starting to feel like "home."    He said he felt that when he walked in the door.  He said, "It feels like I'm at Donna's house."  It's so nice to have a HOME!

Mundane Ramblings

Saturday, August 14th 2010

The phone has been ringing all morning!  Many of the calls are that 866 number that I am nearly certain is a collection agency.  Sigh.  one of these days I am going to be so annoyed that I answer and Heaven help me and the person on the other end of the line as I am tempted to scream, "STOP HARASSING ME!"  and threaten to report them to the Better Business Bureau.  They start calling at 8:30am and call every hour or so until 9:30pm.  They never leave a message.

I'm reading more of Brisingr while I have my coffee.  I skipped the pain meds this morning, despite hurting and hobbling.  i don't like taking them too often.  I also have some things I want to do and I don't want a false sense of ability and the subsequent pain when the med wears off because I did too much.

6:45pm - I've attacked the bathroom drains with Drain-O, emptied the center closet, painted it, took the linen closet shelves outside and painted them out on the patio, unloaded half a box under the kitchen sink and just took half a pain pill.  I have been productive, and now I hurt.

I texted Marty a few times.  I keep coming up with things I don't really need anymore.  He could use them, so they're his now.  So far I've given him towels and an electric broom.

I have been more productive, and now I hurt even more!  Once the pain med kicked in, I took to unpacking a box with assorted casserole dishes, coffee mugs, pie plates, my wizard statue, and pictures.  I hung the pictures of me and Dayna centered on the living room wall; the collage of pictures to the left centered over the bookshelves, and the mirror from Aunt marie between me and Dayna and the front door.  It looks nice. :-)

I hung the picture of a kitten in the hall between the linen closet and center closet.  It's the one I won from the St. lawrence church fair when I was in middle school.  I tried every night to win, and LOST!  The final night of the carnival I brought a five dollar bill, laid it across the board and said, "There!  I am covering ALL the spots!  Now I will definitely win!"  She spun the wheel and I finally had my kitten picture in my arms.

By the time i was done filling cabinets and emptying boxes, I had 3 boxes of garbage for the dumpster.

Brisingr Quotes

The following three are quotes from Brisingr,  by Christopher Paolini.

p. 28 - Galbatorix, Murtagh, the Ra'zac, or even one of the Empire's soldiers could put steel through us at any moment.  A wise man would ignore the future and drink and carouse while he still has an opportunity to enjoy this world.

p. 140 - If you drink to forget your lot in life and not for pleasure, you ought to do it where you won't disturb anyone.

p. 156 - What will happen, will happen, and I won't waste the time I have above-ground worrying.  Misfortune always comes to those who wait.  The trick is to find happiness in the brief gaps between disasters.

Too true...

Schwup!

Friday, August 13th 2010

I was up until 5am - which didn't really surprise me since I slept most of yesterday.  I woke up at 11am.  Then I realized I forgot to set my alarm and  totally missed my doctor's appointment.  I rescheduled for September 3rd.

I realized I've been in a "down mode" for the past week and a half or so.  I think part of it is the time of the month.  Adria noted years ago that I get more depressed a week or so of the month.  I haven't been sleeping well, my schedule is all thrown off, I don't want to do much, few bits of unpacking and some food shopping only, I don't have the energy to shower daily, I'm on the every other day schedule, I barely have the energy to throw my hair in a ponytail and get dressed.  I'd much rather have one of those exhausting "up modes."

My back has really been hurting this past week.  I dislike dragging my left leg, limping and feeling like Quasimoto.  I'm used to my "best impression of a rice crispy" days where my back crackles when I move, but ugh!  The difficulty walking and hurting too much to even sit at the dining table has got to go!  It's weeks like this that make me thankful for my handicapped placard - at least I don't have to avoid ALL errands anymore.

I showered, dressed, did my hair and makeup.  Then I went to Wawa.  I debated stopping at ShopRite to grab something for Sunday night's dinner.  I invited Marty and Dad.  I wasn't sure what I was making yet.  I was torn between pot roast, pork chops, tilapia, or stuffed shells.  I made pork steaks the last time Dad was down.  Maybe a pot roast so I can use up some of these potatoes and carrots before they go bad.  I still have tons of frozen veggies.

I took a nap for a few hours to rest my back and my mind.  I kept thinking of things I *should* be doing, but my back was protesting and I'd already taken half a vicodin. 

I made the steaks I'd taken out of the freezer Tuesday night.  Dayna had requested them, then decided to go back to Bryan's a day early.  She didn't feel like going to my Mom's.  I sauteed onions, added the steaks and cooked covered on low after seasoning them.  I chopped some asparagus, carrots, and red potatoes and added them to the pan with some garlic and olive oil.  It was enough for two servings, the second went into the fridge.

There is another fly in the apartment.  The constant buzzing around my head is driving me nuts.  There's a few more smaller buggers who are nearly as annoying, as well as a spider look-a-like.  I swatted at the flyers like I was playing volleyball.  I swatted lots-o-legs with a roll of paper towels.  It fell on the floor.  I got out the vacuum.  Schwup! Problem solved.  If only the fly would stay still long enough to be sucked up.

As I was vacuuming, I began smelling something.  Sniff, sniff. Burning?  No.  Ammonia?  I haven't used ammonia recently.  I grabbed the bottle of ammonia and intent on confirming my suspicion took a nice whiff.  Then I remembered 10th grade chemistry.  Never, ever, take a nice big whiff.  Waft it towards your nose with your hand.  The memory was too late.

Ammonia does not just have, what one might call, toxic fumes.  No.  It believes in the sneak attack.  You open the bottle, you smell nothing.  You sniff, you smell slight scent.  You take a good whiff to confirm, and by the time your brain comprehends the full potency of the sniff test, you're mostly through your good whiff as the attack on your nasal passages is in full force.  On the bright side, open window, garbage out, no smell on re-entering and a panic attack was averted.

Fudderwhacken

Thursday, August 12th 2010

I came to mom's to watch SYTYCD (So You Think You Can Dance).  It was the season finale.

I ruffled through the contents of the coffee table on a mission.  I needed to find the card Grandma sent to Marty.  I hadn't seen him to give it to him.  I was unsuccessful. 

I checked Facebook last night.  I noticed a post from Veronica.  She said that she "would like to Fudderwhacken vigorously."  For those of you unfamiliar with Alice in Wonderland, that's the name of the dance the Mad Hatter does.  I responded to Veronica's comment by saying, "I wish I could vigorously Fudderwhack, I'm in ouchie mode."  Dayna was online.  I posted on her page, "Veronica is Fudderwhacking without us."  Oh boy, did the comments roll!

Dayna jumped right in saying she was Fudderwhacking, complete with *puts on Fudderwhacking hat and fudderwhacks."  I replied that I would like a magic Fudderwhacking hat so I could Fudderwhack.  Dayna said I was just jealous and wished I knew the Mad Hatter so he could make me a hat.  I said, "Absolutely!  All I got was a stinking half cup of tea and some butter."  She said they were out of jam, and jelly's just silly.  Veronica laughed.

I said, "You should know better than to post things like this on your page when Dayna and I are your friends."  Veronica said, "That's the point!"  I love my friends. :-)

Super Woman, Part 2

Tuesday, August 3rd 2010

I woke up about 10:30am.  I made coffee and sat reading Eragon.  I'm quite engrossed in this story.  I'll have to buy this one when I get back on my feet.

I was hurting so I took a half a pain pill.  Half an hour later I was pretending to be Super Woman again.  I got the cordless drill/screwdriver and attacked the bedroom brackets again.  I was successful this time!  They look beautiful, if I do say so myself.

Not wanting to waste my few hours of pain relief, I painted Dayna's closet.  I took a break and had some leftover veggies for lunch (other than coffee, I forgot about breakfast).  I read some more of Eragon.

I emptied one of the living room closets.  I tackled painting it.  Top to bottom, I covered it all!  And it's only 6pm!  I've been productive.  I'm going to let it dry a few hours.  I plan on putting my holiday stuff in this closet - the Christmas bin, the tree, another bin of combined holiday paraphernalia...and coats.  I forgot to paint the closet rod. :-/  It fell down while I was painting above the shelf and I forgot about it.  I'm not dirtying the brush again.  I've already cleaned it twice today.  I'll get it next time I paint.

I sat down to read some more of Eragon.  He and Murtagh have just made it to the Beor Mountains with Saphira, Snowfire, and Tournac on their escape from the King's men in Gil'ead!  They've braved the Hadorac Desert and can relax a little.  The elf has yet to wake up...

On break from Eragon, I packed the holiday stuff and bedding into the closet.  the coats aren't going to fit, the bins are too tall to allow sufficient room.  I also took out the garbage, organized a box to go back to storage, threw a crocheted baby blanket over the back of the couch, and unpacked another box of movies, DVD's and CD's.  I found the dishtowels!  I just realized Bret did the typical male thing - bought me HIS favorite color.  Aside from a retro step-stool, I have nothing red in my decor.  Merry Christmas!  Yes, he got me dishtowels for Christmas - at the dollar store.  How thoughtfully romantic!  Back to Eragon!  (And another half a pain pill...ouch!)

The Unpredictability of Panic Attacks

Monday, August 2nd 2010

I woke up and read some more of Eragon while having my morning coffee. I'm very fascinated by this book.  It's an excellent story and even more impressive when you read the blip about the author in the back.  He graduated homeschooling at age 15 and published this when he was 19.  Way to go Christopher Paolini!  I love the writing.  The chapters are short, but numerous, so there's plenty of pauses for me to get up and do things.

I did the dishes from last night, took my meds, got more coffee, sat outside, painted the bedroom closet some more, moved a few boxes, swept the linen closet and stuck the tool bin in without organizing it (I can do that later), and I attempted to hang curtains in the bedroom.  My drill/screwdriver wasn't charged.  I'll have to hang the curtains tomorrow.  I put the shoe rack in the closet and loaded it with the shoes I have here.  I moved the antenna inside to prevent bugs flying through the wire crack in the sliding door.

I am just reheating vegetables tonight for dinner.  Right now the neighbors are being quite boisterous, as if their radio blaring all day everyday wasn't enough.  I have no idea what they're whooping about.  They seem to only speak Spanish.

The lady upstairs either just fell or dropped something.  Last Friday she was sitting on her balcony on the phone complaining about one of the little boys hollering in Spanish while they were playing (I call them the calvary :-)  They ride their bikes and scooters around the building in a big circle.  I think they're cute).  She called the apartment complex "the ghetto."  I don't think she's ever seen, much less been to, a ghetto.  The houses around the complex are very nice, middle class family style homes.  I don't hear sirens all the time like I did at the motel.I never see flashy lights unless an ambulance is going down Route 9.  There are no obvious drug dealers or crime.  My car has never been bothered in the parking lot, not so much as a scratch.  It could be MUCH worse.  This is far from the ghetto.

Here I am sitting in the dining area at 10pm and I get a whiff of smokey burning smell.  Of course, I panic and race around through the apartment unplugging things and smelling every room.  It's faint in the bedroom, very prominent in the bathroom.  I wonder if the neighbors are burning incense or smoking and it's coming through the vent?  I hear periodic clicking.  I think it's from upstairs.  I hate having anxiety issues.  This would be nerve-racking enough, add on an anxiety disorder and wham!  instant Panic Attack! (No water required, not intended for children under 3.)

I sit here second guessing.  Am I crazy?  Am I smelling things that don't exist?  Is this just anxiety?  I've smelled a burning smell in the bathroom one other time and that turned out fine, but is it wise - or safe - to relax and ignore this?  I hear the people upstairs moving about getting ready for bed.  No smoke alarms are screaming.  No one is running from their apartments yelling, "Fire!"  So it should be alright...right?

I sat outside.  No smokey smell.  Some nights I smell campfire smells outside, but not tonight.  I came back in.  No funny smell in "the office" (section of the living room where I have a computer desk and bookcases).  No funny smell in the living room.  Faint in the bedroom.  Slight in the bathroom.  I turned the light and vent fan on.  I took a shower.

I had more than a dual purpose for the shower.  I was hoping the vent fan being on and the smell of soap and shampoo would rid the place of the smokey smell.  I hoped the shower might relax me.  I also wanted to be clean, albeit wearing slippers and pajama's, if fire engines showed up!  Maybe I'm taking that "wear clean underwear" saying a little too far.

I took my night meds a bit early.  Maybe they'll help.  I debated a Xanax.  Sigh!

Quasimoto

Sunday, August 1st 2010

I can't believe it's already August!  Where did the time go?  Only three more weeks remain before my disability hearing.  I still get nervous when I think about it.

I'm a bit stiff and hobbly so far this morning.  Standing up straight takes a bit of effort and an additional minute.  Walking is slow going.  The left leg is trying to catch up, but it's having difficulty today.  I've been taking a half a pain pill more days than not lately.  :-(  I'm hoping after my hearing it doesn't take too long for Medicare to kick in so I can get the proper treatment to get a bit better.  I know they can't make me 100% better, but better than this would be nice.  I am grateful I am better than last year, but I still would like to improve so I can live daily without pain medication to do daily activities.

My pleasure this morning was seeing my beautiful daughter sprawled out on the pull-out couch.  I smiled.  She helped me push the couch back a bit last night and opened the bed part for the first time.  We made up the bed with her Happy Bunny sheets, changed her pillowcases, and laid on the bed while we watched George of the Jungle.  Seeing her sprawled out on a diagonal made me smile.  I am so happy to have found this couch.  I'm glad she wanted to test out the bed this weekend instead of just sleeping on the couch.

My other pleasure this morning is coffee!  Java.  Yum.  As I got up to get another cup, I remembered something vitally important.  Stand...THEN walk.  The whole starting to walk while finishing the standing part resulted in my looking like Quasimoto the Hunchback.  Walking is definitely interesting that way.

Dayna and I went to the library yesterday.  She checked out 11 manga's (basically Japanese comic books written in English) and I checked out Eragon.  When she woke up, we sat at the table, her with Frosted Flaked and Marshmallows and I with my coffee, and read our books.  That's basically all we did all day.  We had a nice relaxing day reading at the table together.  Then I brought her back to her dad's so she could go to theater camp again on Monday.

A Busy Friday

Friday, July 30th 2010

The super came by this morning for an apartment inspection.  I told him about the sink backing up and asked about an oven rack.  He said the sink has been a problem before, he'll have someone come look at the pipes.  He said the landlord hasn't  given him an oven rack yet, so I am still limited to top of stove cooking.

I missed Dayna's Premiere Stages showcase today.  She did the theater camp at Kean University again this year.  I was afraid I didn't have enough gas in the car to get there.  They overlapped the camps so that the High School kids, who focused on acting this summer, acted out the Middle School kids scripts.  I took a nap to get my mind off it.

When I woke up, I left to pick up my prescriptions at Genoa, inside the doctor's office.  I used to go to CVS, but the doctor said the one in the office was better so I started getting my prescriptions filled right there.  The pharmacist didn't even ask my name, she just came right over and started rummaging through the bags of filled scripts.  She pulled out a bag and said, "Ok Donna, here's your medication."  I replied, "You're good.  I can't believe you remembered me."  I've only gone there two other times. 

You don't get that personalized service at CVS.  At least I never did.  After three years of going to CVS regularly for meds, they always ask my name, the pharmacist rarely goes over instructions and med info (and then only if you ask and wait some more), and they ALWAYS have a long line.  At Genoa, the pharmacist remembered me without asking who I was, got my meds right away, no long lines, and she reviewed instructions to stay out of the sun and keep cool because my medication decreases my tolerance for heat and sunlight exposure and increased my risk of heat exhaustion.  I love the service.  It makes the extra drive worth it.

Dad came over yesterday and tried to get the TV working.  He had no luck either, so it wasn't just me!  With the antenna on the patio outside, he got NJN Channel 23.  That's it.  Channel 23.  Dad came by with a different TV antenna and converter box today to try the TV again.  He brought the shelf he made and the statue of Fatima he got for me, along with two white candles.  He got her for me so I'd "never be alone" and "there's always someone watching over me."  Grandma has an affinity for St. Therese of Lisieux and Dad has a connection with Fatima.  Grandma gave me a necklace and prayer card so I can pray to St. Therese.  I've held the necklace and said the prayer a few times. 

Dad set to work fixing the back of the entertainment center and put it all together.  He hooked up the TV antenna and scanned for channels.  No signal.  He put the antenna outside.  We got NJN Channel 23!  That was it.  I'm apparently in a bad spot for TV. :-(

I made dinner.  I delineated it in my journal, but to save my secret recipes, I'll just say I made bone-in pork steaks, zucchini and carrots, and mashed potatoes.  When Dad sat down to eat, he said, "This feels like a family dinner.  I haven't had one of these in a long time.  I usually don't eat this gourmet."  I told him when I cook, I cook, it's just dinner.  I was flattered he thought it was "gourmet." 

He took a bit of the vegetables.  He said they had a nice flavor.  "What are these?  Cucumbers?"  When I told him they were zucchini he proceeded to tell me he never liked zucchini before, it was always mushy.  He said it was the first time he ever liked it.  He said my dinner could be served in a restaurant.  Somehow he managed to eat it all, I couldn't.  I was glad.  He's getting too skinny with all his bike riding and eating alone.  I'll have to have him over more often again so I can feed him.

Dayna came home around 8:30pm.  Bryan helped Dad with the TV antenna.  They chatted for a few.  It's been years since they saw each other.  I gave him bottled water for the trip home, one for him and one for his dad.  It's over an hour drive one way.

Dayna and I chatted while Dad played with the TV.  She read me her lines from today's showcase.  I helped her with her lines for next week's showcase.  She'll be doing a monologue from Funny Girl about being a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls, and another part in a very funny skit where she plays the casting director.

Dad was getting annoyed at the TV.  He hooked the other antenna up again and started scanning channels.  He came into the living room holding a broom with the antenna on top and started checking signal strength.  he twirls the broom and the antenna turned.  He checked the signal.  It was weak.  He twirled the broom and checked the signal again...still weak.

Dayna thought this was pretty funny.  She grabbed her iPod and began videotapin ghim.  Dad had no idea at first.  When we told him, he replied, "What?!?!"  I said, "Dad, you'll be famous!  She might put it on You Tube later."  I told him he's already mentioned in the blog entitled "Grandpa Stole the U-Haul."

 

Shopping Spree

Tuesday, July 27th 2010

I couldn't sleep again.  I was up until 7am despite several attempts.  When I finally woke up again it was 4:30pm.  Finally!  Some decent sleep!

I got showered and dressed, had coffee, packed up some errands and off I went!  Adria's working so I can't deliver her Avon.  It's too late to call the bank.  I dropped off Dayna's library books (accidentally forgot mine), dropped a letter off to Social Services to confirm my attendance August 26th for my SSD hearing, and went on a shopping spree!

Ok, so I went to Aldi, not the most exciting of stores, but it's about the only place I can afford right now.  I bought cereal, basil, stuffing, pasta, sauce, peppers, zucchini, asparagus, toilet paper, paper towels, tissues, forgot razors, potatoes, onions...I just kept going!

Then I got to the checkout.  I didn't think to bring bags.  I didn't want to buy more.  I loaded everything in the trunk of the car sans bags.  When I got home, I got bags out of the apartment, went back to the car, loaded my purchases into the bags and hauled it all inside!  It took three trips.  The last trip was only a case of water, but that's heavy enough!

For my next trick, I attempted to put it all away.  The freezer was easy.  The refrigerator was easier.  The cabinets were challenging!  I need more cabinets...or a pantry.  Somehow I managed.

I am Super Woman! (...ouch!)

Monday, July 26th 2010

I woke up at 12:30pm after about 6 hours of sleep.  Hurting.  I wonder if that was contributing to my inability to sleep last night.  I took half a pain pill with my morning meds and waited for it to kick in.  Shortly after it did, along with 2-3 cups of coffee, I was off and running again!  It's tiring, and sometimes painful, but I'll take these bouts of restless, "I can do anything!" moments of energy over depression any day.

So off and running I was: washed down 2 more bookcases, unloaded three boxes of books into them, moved one (before I put the books in it), then I tackled the entertainment center!  (If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the moooorning, I'd hammer in the eeevening, all over this laaaand!  ...and yes, I really wandered around singing it while I searched for, and miraculously found, the hammer.)

There I was!  Armed and Dangerous!  Well, wielding a hammer and a screwdriver, so I guess not really dangerous, but I was armed!  First step - untangle all these wires left over from my "Tech-No" experiment trying to hook up the TV antenna.  Still no signal and I have no idea what I did wrong.  Well, really, I have no idea what to do right, so obviously I didn't do it.  We wait for Dad.  :-)

Second - move the center away from the wall!  Somehow, I managed it.  Pop out all the useless nails and screws.  Replace useless nails and screws with strategically placed, useful nails and screws.  Done!

Third - dust off shelves and set in place.  Place equipment on proper shelves and thread wires through holes conveniently made for this purpose.  Allow me to mention that said equipment included a "too-heavy-for-me" TV.  Yeah...  I probably shouldn't have done that...but I did!

Lastly - move entertainment center back near wall...or at least closer to wall since at about this time my degenerating back decided it had enough!  I'll wait for Dad.  I probably should have done that all along.  My friend says I am just over-ambitious.

God Meant It For Good

Wednesday, July 21st 2010

I sat with my coffee reviewing and updating my spiritual notes.  I came across a Life Point by Joyce Meyer.  It was written in as commentary after the story of Joseph and how he forgave his brothers saying, "God meant it for good." 

Joyce writes:

So often in our lives, Satan thinks he is doing some terrible thing to bring about our destruction, and yet God has another plan entirely.  He intends to take what Satan means for our harm and work it out for our good.

This comment means a lot to me right now.  Over the past year, my life has seemingly fallen apart.  For a while, Satan seemed to be winning!  My health was poor - my back was bad, anxiety/panic attacks, adverse reactions to medications; my finances were a hot mess - credit debt up buying food and putting gas in the car, savings account depleted to pay the rent and utilities; eviction followed by homelessness; my daughter moved out; and my fiance broke my heart by saying he wanted to leave because my back was bad and he wanted to be more physical.  I was devastated!  I spent the weekend after that crying in bed falling apart.  I ended up in the emergency room two days in a row having chest pain, shortness of breath, dizzy spells, unable to eat or keep down fluids...I was a disaster!

It was shortly after and during that time that God called me to go back to church.  I began going to Grace and Peace where I'd been picking up the Angel Food.  I learned that God loves me and has a plan for my life.  I learned that we all have trials to strengthen our character, but if we keep our eyes on God he will see us through into better.  I learned to 'cast my cares on God' and stop worrying constantly.  I learned that no matter what the situation, God will make sure it's not too much to bear and he will always provide the way out to escape.  I learned to thank God and praise God and how to pray effectively.  I learned whatever I asked in Jesus' name, I shall receive.  I learned if what I ask is not God's will, I just won't get it, but I shouldn't be afraid to ask.  I learned to pray in love to be effectual.  I learned that God already knows my needs and emotions, and it's more effective to pray God's word - "Pray the answers out of the back of the book," and pray in Jesus' name and let God work.  I learned obedience is required, understanding is optional (although I still seek to understand).

So here I sit now.  God put a good case worker in my path to help me.  God put a great social worker in my path who found me an apartment and expedited all the paperwork to get me in for July so I could move out of the motel.  She helped me get my first ever couch and a dinette that actually has chairs!  Bye-bye metal folding chairs and broken table!

God was there helping me move in.  He's blessed me with an awesome Dad who, despite his problems and condition, always tries to help and doesn't criticize or belittle me for my problems.  If it weren't for Dad and my brother, Marty, my move never would have been possible.  I thank god for putting these people in my path and watching out for me.

The point of my story is that God really does work things out for good.  Satan had deceived me into thinking "love" was enough while I was going broke and falling apart.  He attacked me at my core when I discovered my love was one-sided and dependent on my health and financial contributions.  God gave me subtle hints, I see them now - hindsight is 20/20 after all.  But I had fallen for Satan's deceptions, presumably because of my strong desire for love and a more immediate family.  He took what I longed for and deceived me into thinking I'd found it, to the point of personal ruin!

But God proved that He watches out.  During my darkest hours, He was there and called to me - and fortunately I was receptive enough to hear Him!  He put the good people of Grace and Peace in my path and inspired them to say what I needed to hear just when I needed to hear it.  He gave me my best friend, Adria, to come with me when I wanted to go to church so I wouldn't be alone.  He inspired her family (Aunt, Uncle, and Grandmother) to save us seats and welcome us with open arms, hugs and kisses so we felt we belonged.  He allowed me, once again, to come back to His blessings after a really good kick in the behind to get me back on track!  It's not the first time, and I wish I could say it's the last time, but I seem to have the habit of taking care of people who don't take care of me (maybe that's why I was a nurse).  Satan gets me everytime by pulling my heart strings.

Now, hopefully, with my eyes set on God, one way or another, I'll SEE and HEAR his subtle nudges and stay on the path He's set for me.